


will you HOV me?

by pvwork



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Driving, Gen, MBMBaM references, Magnus is a mannequin for most of this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pvwork/pseuds/pvwork
Summary: “What, oh what, does an elf have to do to get into the HOV lane around here?” Taako wondered aloud.*A FEW HOURS LATER*“So,” Taako said, sitting across a large oaken desk in a room lit by only seven flaming candles, each exactly a foot across in diameter. “You can get me into the HOV lane?”





	will you HOV me?

Taako let loose a bloodcurdling scream. 

“I! Am! So! Angry!” Taako yelled, “I’m so angry that I could bust a nut!” 1

He slammed his open palm against the driver side window like a reasonable being in a completely logical sequence of events and shot metaphorical daggers out of his eyes in the direction of the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane to his left. 

He was so angry he could bust a nut. In both a sexual and literal fashion. Further attempts at clarification of this particular declaration will be directed to the department of BOFADN (Bank of F(Ph)andalon And Deez Nuts). 

Traffic began to move and Taako sighed, then lifted his foot off the brake. His vehicle inched forward at two binicorns per hour. Ridiculous and unjust! “What, oh what, does an elf have to do to get into the HOV lane around here?” Taako wondered aloud. 

He stared off into the gray sky above him. On the other side of the windshield, the sky sat like a soft fuzzy blanket over the skyline of New New New Phandalin. 

“Fuck off!” Taako shouted to anyone and everyone in particular that was and wasn’t in his vehicle with him. The seductive qualities of nature did little sooth his all consuming anger at being trapped in rush hour traffic.

On the next night of the new moon, Taako donned a black cape of crushed velvet, the pointiest wizards hat he owned, and headed out into the night. His first destination was a meadow full of starflowers. They only bloomed two hours before midnight. He swooped up a handful of blossoms and shoved them into his pockets. 

“A light snack for later.” 

Then he went to his local car dealership to attempt to haggle his local car dealer into submission.

“So,” Taako said, a few hours later, sitting across a large oaken desk in a room lit by only seven flaming candles, each exactly a foot across in diameter. “You can get me into the HOV lane?” 

The dealer, a Teifling, smoothed a hand over their horns and patted down their hair between their impressively spiralling appendages and coughed into their hand politely before taking a sip of their goblet before saying, “We’ve looked at your account— ”

Taako huffed. “Of course, I’m Taako from TV!” 

“—And you don’t really have the funds—”

So Taako went to the local pawn shop. 

“So, Garfield. My main man. My best man. You’re a good merchant, yeah? I like to think so. I think you’re great, and that you’ve got a great shop. Yeah? Yeah.” 

Garfield laid across the counter of his store seductively. He rested one hand on his hip, while the other was propped under his head, the shape of his robes draped flatteringly over his figure. Every single fold of fabric seemed to highlight his features in their best possible shape. “Why, I know exactly what you seek, my dear! But can you pay the price?” 

“I have some flowers in my pocket,” Taako said. “And they’re only two days old!” 

“Perfect!” Garfield exclaimed. “Starflowers harvested on the night of a new moon are just the thing necroma— uh, I mean, Arithmancy! Require!” 

“So you have a human shaped mannequin in your shop that I can put in my passenger seat to fool the HOV enforcers.” 

“Uh. Well, I have _a_ mannequin.” 

“I’ll take it!” 

The next morning, Taako set out onto the ByWay of New New New Phandalin and merged into the HOV lane with aplomb. Magnus, according to the scrap of cloth tied to the wooden mannequin’s wrist and also according to Taako’s general apathy towards coming up with new names for things, sat in the passenger seat wearing a puffy jacket and a cowboy hat. The lane was moving at a brisk pace. It was the most satisfying commute experience in Taako's recent experience.

Over the next few weeks, Magnus became one of Taako’s closest confidants. He was just the most marvelous listeners that Taako had ever met. 

“Maybe you should get out more,” Kravitz suggested. They were at the Chug ‘n Squeeze on date night. 

Taako gave a pointed look at at the abysmal weather outside and then down towards his four inch velvet thigh high boots.“Taako’s good in here,” Taako declared. 2

Dinner and drinks with Kravitz was comfortable, easy, a nice back and forth that Taako found that he had missed during the work week.  
The night ended all too quickly and Taako was ducking out into the parking lot wearing his super great boots and a very angry frown. Taako took a sip of his mango lemon mint agua fresca and once he’d unlocked his vehicle he took half hearted aim in the dark— that he could see very clearly in! — at the cup holder and missed by a country mile 3

“Sorry about those juices flowing down your thigh there,” Taako said with a smirk to Magnus. 4

Magnus didn’t not reply.

Because he was a mannequin. 

Taako shook his head. Maybe Kravitz was right and Taako needed more friends or something.  
SIUWT’s (Sizzle It Up with Taako) winter hiatus was proving to be a bit of a challenge, even for someone as great and wonderful as Taako.

Merle, an interpretive jazz dancer priest, had returned to his beach house. He claimed that soaking in brine and meditating for four months before the start of every season helped him fully articulate the savory flavors in Taako’s dishes to his audiences.

Lucretia was off writing an autobiography or something, while also whipping up Taako’s next season of zingy one liners that Taako incorporated into his banter approximately 77% of the time cue cards came up.

So what if Taako was kind of lonely sometimes? It’s not like he didn’t see people. He dropped in for lunch at Lup and Barry’s office semi-regularly, and did guest appearances on other cooking shows every now and then. He and Kravitz were doing the long distance thing because both their jobs required extensive amounts of travel, but they always made it to the Chug ‘n Squeeze for date night at least twice a month. 

But all of that, all of it, wasn’t the same as the rush that came from performing in front of a crowd, bringing a little magic into other people’s lives and watching their eyes light up when they tasted something they didn’t know they missed until they found it again. 

So Taako did the reasonable thing and dragged Magnus out of his car to him into bed in his guest room.  
Magnus was a surprisingly heavy mannequin. He was taller and broader than Taako and in hindsight, Taako wouldn’t be able to explain why he didn’t just caste levitate and call it a night instead of laboriously hauling the wooden body into his home, but at the time it had felt like good, honest work, the kind of task that was satisfying to finish because the progress was obvious and direct. 

“There you go,” Taako said to no one in particular as he tucked Magnus into bed. 

He thought about walking back to his own bed but then shrugged and climbed over Magnus the Mannequin to tuck himself into the empty side of the bed. He just couldn’t be fucked to move any further, he told himself. 

Taako woke up in the morning crushed under the weight of a heavy body that smelled like heartwood, mango juice, and human sweat. 

“What. The fuck!” Taako yelled and pushed up at the head above him. 

“Whoa! It’s me! Magnus!” 

“Like fuck you are! Where’s my beloved HOV lane assistant?” 

“It’s still me!,” Magnus yelped as he fell out of the beds, conveniently taking all the covers with him Taako noted uncharitably. “I was cursed to be a mannequin by a pair of twin necromancers!” 5

“Are you still going to ride shotgun so that I can get rightfully get into the HOV lane?” 

“Yeah, I like going on adventures with you. You’re my friend!” 

Taako nodded and then swept his tangle of hair out of his face. “Damn right I am! I’m a great friend.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. MBMBaM 344: The Cream Beams to the Tower of Flavortown  
> 2\. TAZ Balance: Episode 32  
> 3\. Agua fresca isn’t technically juice but I wanted some earlier and it is so delicious and that is what I would want to drink on a rainy night  
> 4\. MBMBaM 350: The 2018 Olympic Laser Tag Team & "Pony" by Ginuwine  
> 5\. The curse was lifted by the power of friendship!
> 
> The footnotes indicate when I directly quote McElroy content that isn't explicitly TAZ Balance TM. Sorry to em dashes and dashes in general as an entire species of punctuation.
> 
> Also, as a general disclaimer, this was partly inspired by multiple cases of people using fake people shaped/dressed things to try and get into the HOV lane and then getting caught and then getting fined! It's not worth it!


End file.
